you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
