glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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