Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The beer is more important than you right now.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
