Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
