if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
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