i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
