I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
