I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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