I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
