The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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