It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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