Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
