who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
