You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
