You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
