Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
