do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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