I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I love having hate sex.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
