i need an iv and a liver transplant
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
