Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
