And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I did not marry a roomba.
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