I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
