The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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