she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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