I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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