dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
