i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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