Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
