The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
