stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
