I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
