she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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