I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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