i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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