So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My Higher Power is John Stamos
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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