you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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