When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize