Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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