After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize