In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
