Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
