apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
