please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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