his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
