Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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