I'd wear matching sweaters with you
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
