I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
