the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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