so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
