just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
