yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
