Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
