At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
