Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
