I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
