I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
