i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
