he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize