it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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