OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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