This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
