I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
