I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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