life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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