he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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