i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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