I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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