I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
