yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
