Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i believe in u and ur pee
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
im on a boat
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